Out of place

That's how I feel. For the first time in my life I'm completely out of place. I don't look like everyone else, I don't walk live everyone else, speak, work, everything is completely different. I'm trying to do my best to work with GRS and the clinic, but right now is kind of a down time for planning so I'm also not extremely busy with work. Herein lies the problem. I'm used to being busy, I actually think I've done a pretty good job over the past few years of slowing down but I still like to be busy. I based my personality on how much I could get done in a day, how many appointments I could have, people I could see, auditions I could go on, etc. All of this was a cover. It made me not look at my own inherent loneliness. There's nothing here to distract me from being lonely. I'm in a large house with one other person who I very rarely see, I can't call my friends, loved ones at home very often, I do not get tv programs, I can't jump on a subway, I can't order a pizza and I can't see the people who I care about most. It's killing me. That coupled with this neurotic Malaria medication is enough to shake me to my core. Africa is difficult. I've been through some pretty intense experiences over the last few years and this by far immediately is the most universally challenging. I should be feeling great that I'm a part of something larger than myself , but the reality is that I don't feel a part of anything.

(TIME WARP)


All of that being said and here's the kicker, I feel good. I just spoke with my sister on the phone, had an awesome conversation and I feel good. I was in the middle of this post and I just stopped to talk on the phone. That conversation just turned my day around, all becausae I reached out to her for help. We need our family, we need our friends. And as much as I Mr. "I like to think I'm independent" feel I should be able to travel the world by myself and pull an Indiana Jones cool type vibe...I have to remember where I'm from, who I am, what makes me happy, and who makes me happy as well as who and what I love. That may have been the worst formed sentance of all time but you get the point...My opinion for today, if you're in pain, reach out, it may just save your life...