TIA...This...is...Africa

So the truck is completely open. There's nothing between myself and wildlife. Warthogs come to the door, I place my camera right at his snout..Giraffes, Elephants, Hippos, walk right past me in this open truck. The weather is beautiful...We start driving fast and it's obvious that we're headed somewhere important, something to see, one of the big 5 maybe...(Elephant, Lion, Leopard, Rhino, Buffalo)..."Two male lions ahead, 100 meters, stay seated please, no sudden movements"...This is one time that bucking the system and marching to the tune of my own drummer will take a backseat to the king of the jungle...50 meters, I have my headphones in attached to my camcorder, ready to film...25 meters and I can really see the outline of two males lying in the middle of the road with another vehicle parked 3 meters away...I said to myself as we were approaching, "huh, they don't look large, not that impressive, they're lying in the middle of the road, not moving, where's the action"

We pulled up, 3 meters away, two male lions, one lying down with his head buried, the other with his head and chest up but facing away from us. I looked away from the camera for a second to see if I could connect with the lion..perhaps he would turn around and I'd get to see what he loo....ok, he's turning now...and with a sudden movement he looked me right in the eye. As if he knew the instant my attention turned to him. He turned, we locked eyes, and he shifted slightly and that's all it took...Goose bumps all over my body, my heart jumped out of my chest, and I froze. All he had to do was jump. There was nothing between us. I froze. This is why he is the King of the Jungle. Once I got past the initial heart pounding excitement of locking eyes with him I realized that one look was all it took. In our contemporary world of excitement, Xgames, massive displays of commercial affection, stimulation, Grande Fraps, and larger than life yet FAT FREE muffins, (not possible I tell you) I loved that this animal turned something on inside of me that I'm always looking for with a look. That feeling of being alive. Somewhere between danger, lust and stability. Somewhere between having my feet on the ground and my heart in my throat I realize that life in all it's mistakes, imperfections, disease, death, poverty, can provide me with a moment like this. Whom can I provide this moment for? Others should have this moment...I want to have this moment over and over again. Sustainable heart pounding stability. What!? Is that possible? Kind of sounds like an oxy moron a bit huh...

I was asked this week by a friend who I've been emailing how all of these things I'm exploring, asking about relate to a family, 5 year plan, next steps. She actually seemed threatened by the fact that I seem to constantly be contradicting myself, and that she wanted to know what I was really feeling...Maybe I am contradicting myself but maybe it's because their are parts of ourselves that are contradictory. Conflict and resolution within ourselves about our own journey. What lights us up, what turns us on, what brings in the dark, is the dark bad, or is it just dark?
Why is light good? Is light good? good and bad, you get the point...

The point is I have no clue to the larger answers. But what I do know is that when I write this blog, not all the time of course, but sometimes I get on a roll. I get to feel myself growing, learn for myself about myself, through myself...

And for my sister Tara, that last line just reminded me of this....

Through himmmmm.....with himmm...in himmm....in the unity of the holy spirit...all glory and honor is yours almighty father, forever and everrrrr....

Feeling that change, feeling alive, can happen within us. It can happen through a friend, a family member and hey, even a lion.


This is a snipit of my experience this weekend at South Luongwa, Zambia on Safari. TIA

This...is...Africa

Yes, living in Africa is different from any place than I've known. What is not different is the feeling. At home, school, relationships, I've felt it before. You my friends have felt it before and no matter where you are in the world, who you're with, what time it is, on land or at sea, you can feel this. It's universal, it's human. So, by the transitive property...

You're...in...Africa...

Let me also add that I work daily in an office. That is also Africa. Of course I wouldn't be doing my job as a storyteller if I was giving you just the day in and day out of an office, but the truth is that this office is Africa as well. The office needs improvement. Paperwork, clarity and speed of financials, communication, qualified staff are all needed to make the office run smoother and to continue to train local Malawian staff to eventually take the lead in to what up to now has been predominantly driven by American doctors.

A clear example of some of the challenges facing the doctors and staff here at the clinic/hospital as it is with other such hospitals in Malawi is that in the United States on average there are 2 HIV related deaths per month, while here in Malawi doctors will see 150 in that same time frame. A lot of the deaths here are preventable. In the coming weeks I'll be writing more about a project I'm getting involved with here that will fundraise money to purchase Oxygen concentrators for the children here at the clinic. Children are sharing concentrators, they're not functioning properly, etc. Things that we take for granted as givens in the states with regards to health care just aren't present here.

This incredible loss and sadness is part of the contradictory nature of Malawi as well. There are so many beautiful people dealing with such alarming losses everyday. Sometimes it just doesn't compute. I see such humility and strength, but I also see need, loss and desperation. Which is the "real" Malawi? It's an unanswerable question. Malawi is all of those things. I've written about state dependance before but it seems increasingly worthwhile to mention here. It's something that I used to do a lot that I've learned to manage over the years. When something goes wrong I would become dependant on that state and think that every facet of my life would go wrong. If something was going well, all was well. It was an extreme view, it hinged on my emotions, how I felt and what I was attached to at the moment. Now keep in mind this is very real. Feeling your emotions and giving them their space essential, but is not the complete picture of who a person is. In my example, while I was feeling one emotion, there's an ocean of feelings, thoughts, dreams, molecules running underneath all waiting for their chance to pop up and present themselves. That's more of a complete picture not depending or locking into one state of being. I see that and wish that for Malawi and as I'm writing this it actually falls completely in line with something I was speaking with Eric about last night...

We were talking about Malaria deaths here in Africa and how it dwarfs the number of people it kills as compared to HIV. We were talking about the fact that I'm taking Malarone which is the standard top of the line Malaria Prophylaxis. The idea behind this or any other medication when dealing with a virus is that you're essentially putting this particular strain of the virus to sleep. It's still within you, still a part of your system but the medication you're taking allows the virus to sleep and not take hold of the rest of your body. If you were to miss your medication for a few days, basically what you're doing is giving the virus a chance to "wake up" and replicate. Once it replicates a couple of dangerous things happen. One there is more of the virus in your system and secondly it can be prone to mutuations which then require further and differing medications and or plans of attack. So, as we were speaking about this last night I saw the importance of having a plan in place for yourself at the first sign of symptoms.

Now I'm thinking about that with regards to what I was saying earlier about emotions, the "real" Malawi, etc. It basically ties into one of my favorite movie scenes ever. If you're familiar with John Nash and "A Beautiful Mind" it's the story of a very famous but troubled Mathematician who struggled with multiple personality disorder. Throghout the movie he's visited by 3 main characters who come and go into the distorted webs of his reality/fantasy...One of the final scenes is Russell Crowe asking someone to pinch a new friend of his to see if he's real...He now checks to see who's in the manifested world and who is not. (therefore he's understandably wary of newcomers) And then he's asked do you still see them? Referring of course to the 3 main characters that have been with him his whole adult life...And he says plainly.."Oh yes, I still see them, they're still here, but we have an understanding. I stopped paying attention to them a long time ago and they took the hint"...

I thought that one line beautifully illustrated the struggles that we all, (people, governments, establishments) go through with those aspects of our respective personalities. My hope not only for myself but for all people, organizations, lions, etc, is that we can recognize the things that may not be working, give us trouble and recognize that they're there. They will come and go but most likely usually remain. Our job is to focus on the things that give us joy, light us up, make us feel alive. Thus in a simply elegant way we're able to make a difference first for ourselves and then for the ones we love...